So, because I didn't write a formal research paper for my thesis, I get to instead write a formal reflection paper, reflecting on my experience writing the thesis. Seven pages, in fact, of reflecting on my experience writing the thesis.

It's 1 in the morning. I'm tired. My fingers hurt. I got to six and a half pages, and finally I snapped, and wrote the following.

Still, with as much of a struggle as it was, I am glad that I did it. I have learned how to play the game and tell all you silly university folks exactly what you want to hear, which I am sure will do wonders for me when I am someday trying to claw my way up the corporate ladder and have to bullshit my way though that like I managed to do for school. Hooray for the honors program which has taught me how to bullshit better than most. I am sure the skill will come in handy when I have to bullshit my way into a career I don't really want so that I can stay alive. Whoop de friggen do. Let's throw Brittany a party, because she has learned how to play the game better than anyone else we know! Some days I feel like Comicus from History of the World Part 1. I swear, that's my future. "Did you bullshit last week?" "No." "Did you try to bullshit last week?" "Yes." Only in my case I will have succeeded in bullshitting last week because the honors program did such a grand job at teaching me how. Well done, honors program! You have another little stooge to call your very own graduate! You must be so proud.

Of course, I didn't actually leave that in there, because it's not what they want to hear, and didn't I say that I'm a master at telling them what they want to hear?  But it was tempting.  Reeeeaaaaallllllyyyyyy tempting.

Like I said, I snapped!  It's been a week from hell and next week isn't looking to be very much better.  Thank goodness I have the ball this weekend or I might go bonkers altogether, and wouldn't that be fun?

-Jaya-

So, I was running to the Weber building before Goddess Religions today so that I could print off the review sheets for the final, which we were supposed to go over during class (we didn't; I was mad).  Apparently, however, I had not zipped up my backpack all the way, and it was hanging open.  As I walked, I felt my laptop slip into an increasingly awkward and uncomfortable angle, and when I began to take my backpack off, the unthinkable happened - my laptop slipped out and before I could register what happened, it crashed to the sidewalk in the middle of the Oval.  It seemed to happen in slow motion, the laptop slipping out, its corner hitting the sidewalk, the lid coming open, the aftermath of my poor computer sitting forlornly on the pavement, its lid half-open as though gasping for breath.  I knew that ThinkPads are supposed to be tough, but I was still afraid that I had just ruined a new laptop and would be faced with the incredibly awkward situation of explaining to my parents why I needed either extensive repairs on my computer or a new machine altogether.  Still, I was running late to class, so I scooped it up and shoved it back in my backpack, assuming I'd find out when I got to class whether it still worked.

I printed off my pages and made it to class with just minutes to spare, sat down and started setting up. I held my breath as I pressed the power button and waited for it to wake up (I don't shut it down before class, but put it to sleep because it's up and running faster on arrival that way) - and it was fine.

Yep, that's right.  My laptop hit the pavement with enough force to embed a pebble into its casing (I have proof because there is, in fact, a pebble embedded in its casing and if I had a way to take a picture and upload it, I would), and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it except for the few scratches and dents on that one corner.  I'd said before that the reason I got a ThinkPad to begin with is because I take my laptop everywhere with me and they are known for being durable, but this sucker is a friggen TANK.  Jump on YouTube for a few minutes and watch some of the videos for stress tests of Lenovo ThinkPads - the one linked shows them crashing one into a wall at 35 mph, you can watch on the high-speed footage as the casing bent like a shirt blowing in the breeze, and they were still able to get the data off the thing.  The keyboard is built so that spills go right through and come out through the bottom (which came in handy once...) and you can walk on the keyboard without doing irreparable damage - yes, there's a video of that, too).  I wouldn't recommend abusing it that much, of course, but accidents happen, and this laptop is strong enough to handle them.

For those of you who are wondering, I have a Lenovo ThinkPad Z61m, purchased just this fall after my old Toshiba Satellite (the link takes you to a similar machine - I couldn't find the exact one but this gets linked for being closest and having an image from ANH on the screen) finally went to the digital version of the happy hunting ground - let me tell you, I was almost relieved when it finally put itself out of my misery!  The ThinkPad is faster than the Toshiba could ever have hoped to be, weighs less, has more than twice the RAM, is more reliable, and (obviously!) is more durable.  I would like to have one of those fancy touch-screen laptops like my mom has, but those things are notoriously fragile, and I need something that can withstand some punishment because with as much as my laptop travels, punishment is bound to happen, like it did today.  Looks like I found the right machine for the job.

We - meaning Troy and I - are thinking of partitioning the hard drive this summer so that I can dual-boot Vista and Linux, probably some form of Ubuntu, and learn my way around it.  I have wanted to learn my way around Linux for some time, primarily because it's open-source and often free, like most of the software I use (Firefox, Pidgin, and Open Office are the three big ones, though even the stuff I have that isn't open-source is free: iTunes, AVG, Spybot, Ad-Aware, etc.), and that often means that it's more customizable and more stable, both of which I like.  While there might be some software I use that isn't made for Linux (RoughDraft and Q10 come to mind, which is sad because I've really enjoyed using them), there are almost always alternatives that will do just fine for me (YWriter4 is a program I have used and actually did like, though it is more practical for editing than the frantic drafting that comes with NaNoWriMo).  The problem with Linux is that it takes some getting used to, and its users often are expected to know more about computers and programming than I do.  (That is, of course, a generalization which is bound to be false in some cases... but still.)  So, in order to learn my way around Linux, I'd have to learn a thing or three about computers - which is totally fine with me, and I'd like to know more, but it'll take some doing.  Incidentally, that's why I'd like to start with a dual-boot of Vista and Linux, because that way if there winds up being something I can't figure out on Linux, I can switch over to Windows and do it there - and I can do NaNoWriMo in RoughDraft or Q10 as I would prefer to.

Now, partitioning my hard drive is kind of a big deal, and I'm CERTAINLY not doing it until I've graduated and can stand to lose use of my computer for more than five minutes in case something goes wrong (though everything is getting backed up in Gmail and on my external hard drive and my iPod, if there's room, because I don't want to lose it!).  But it's a thought for the future.  And, who knows?  Maybe the next computer I have will be one I've built.  Wouldn't that be sweet?

I never thought I'd turn into the computer-savvy geek that apparently I want to be.  But working with Rosie has shown me that I've got a head for the basics of this stuff, and while there are some things that are beyond my ken right now, there are plenty of other things I can handle on my own perfectly well.  Besides, building my own computer and running it with a free operating system using a bunch of free software is way cheaper than going the store-bought route, and I'll wind up with a better machine, customized for my personal needs.  I'm all kinds of down with that.

Anyway, that was a nice little break from homework.  And now, back to the papers!  There are still plenty begging to be written! *frantically writing*

-Jaya-

I think that speaks for itself.

There's a ball next Saturday night.  And I've talked Troy into taking me.

Now, I've known about this ball for more than a year.  It's an annual event, put on by Colorado State and Friends of Traditional Dance, and last year a very dear friend of mine asked me to go with her, knowing that I would simply adore the whole thing, but I couldn't because I was going to the Loreena McKennitt concert with my dad. (Which was also fantastic and I don't regret for a second missing the ball for that.)  This year, however, I had no such conflict, and I have a boyfriend who could be talked in to indulging my silly fantasy for a night.  I've been going back and forth, trying to decide what dress to wear, how to do my hair, what shoes I'll want for dancing the night away, the whole nine yards.  I've almost decided on the black empire-waisted dress from my senior prom, assuming it still fits properly.  S'pose I should figure that out before too long.  But if I wear that one, I can wear my favorite black heels (oh, they're so lovely!), and bring my little black purse.  Yael agreed to do my hair like Jane's in Pride and Prejudice, and I bought some pretty fingernail appliqués from King Soopers (they're cheap, but it's only for one night anyway).  Sure, it's the Saturday before Finals week, but you know something, I just don't care.  This is my last semester of college, I've NEVER been to a dance with a date, and this one includes dance cards and live music by the Mostly Strauss Orchestra, also known as the Denver Pops.  I can't begin to express how delighted I am at the sheer idea.  I know that Troy can barely waltz, and honestly I'm not much better, but at this point that doesn't even matter.  I'm just excited to be going.

Because of all this, lately Troy has affectionately and teasingly diagnosed me with a Cinderella complex.  I'm not entirely sure he knows what that means, actually, because a desire to get dressed up in pretty dresses and go dancing has very little to do with a hidden fear of independence.  It has a lot more to do with being a very girly girl, and loving every second of it.

I think it's been well-established by this point that I am every feminist's worst nightmare.  And that I delight in being so.  I simply love the idea of being a good wife and mother someday, and if I was required to wear a dress every day I would be first in line to burn every pair of pants I own.  No higher compliment can come my way than to hear that I am considered a classy lady.  Climbing the corporate ladder has never held any attraction for me, and honestly I don't much want a job if I can get away with it.  (I probably can't, which makes me very sad, but if I could, I would.  And I know some of you are thinking, "Jaina, you'll go nuts if you don't have any intellectual stimulation!"  Which is true - thankfully, I have this fantastic internet contraption which provides more intellectual stimulation than I could ever need.  And it's not as though I don't intend to have friends or anything.  Everyone needs a break now and then.  I just don't want a job like everyone seems to think I should.)  I do want someone to take care of me, but it's less because I have some fear of independence and more because I want to have the time I would have spent taking care of myself to be spent taking care of others.  I'm not saying I don't fear independence at all, because I do.  I'm a college student for only a few more weeks, and after that I have to grow up some more, which frightens me a lot.  But it's not the sort of paralyzing fear which forces me to seek out people who will take care of me because I can't function if I have to take care of myself.  I'll do it, and I'll probably do very well at it, because I'm a smart young lady and - more importantly - I have an awesome God looking out for me and making sure that I am provided-for. 

So, do I have a Cinderella complex?  I don't know - whatever fear of independence I have probably isn't enough to warrant calling it a complex.  And, honestly, from what I can tell, this particular "complex" has received criticism in recent years for oversimplifying matters too much.  Besides, it seems to me that a fear of independence and a desire to be taken care of can be seen in a very good light - if I am afraid to be independent of God and want him to take care of me (as I know he will), is that such a bad thing? But I do know that, whatever I have, I'm very okay with it.  I'm a very strange person, and I'm glad of it.  I actually quite like the way I am - not that there aren't plenty of things I would change about me, but it's not like I wish I could just scrap the whole damn mess and start over.  Who I am, fundamentally, at the core, I pretty much like.  There's a lot of sin there and there's a lot of imperfections which drive me, God, and probably everyone else absolutely bonkers, but that stuff is the flesh, it's not me.  I do it, and I struggle with it, but it's not me.  Gah - Paul articulated this so much better than I could.  It's in Romans 7.  For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. (Rom 7:15-17)  Along those lines. 

Anyway, the point is, God made me as I am, and I think he did a pretty good job - "Cinderella complex" notwithstanding.

Got a letter from Fuller yesterday afternoon, which I didn't read until last night.

I've been accepted to Fuller Northwest!  Hooray!  So that means that I'll be in Seattle come the fall, unless I hear back from the housing folks in Pasadena and transfer myself down there.  Honestly, I'd rather be in Seattle, but if I get housing in Pasadena I'll go there instead.  Still, God has done some amazing things in the past few days.  I heard back from Group and they want to pursue an internship with me, after I had given up all hope of that.  Then I heard from my friend Rachel who might have a place for me to live this summer, meaning I wouldn't have to commute from Brighton, which seeing as how gas prices are so freaking high might well be more expensive than living here, especially if I take the bus and a bike to Loveland from Fort Collins rather than drive.  And it means that I get to stay with my friends and don't have to go back to the boonies of Brighton where I'm not really friends with anyone anymore and I'd feel so dreadfully out of the loop and lonely.  So that's happy.  And now I hear back from Fuller, who is happy to accept me.  Hooray, hooray, hooray!  It's so nice to have things work out!  Thank you so, so much, God, that things are working out!  Forgive me for ever having doubted that they would.  And please let me get the job with Group.  I know that whatever happens is completely in your control - and you've brought me this far, which is AWESOME, so I have no doubt that you'll bring me the rest of the way to where I need to be.  ^.^

-Jaya-